


Trials and Tribulations

by bloodred_ander



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, POV Second Person, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2018-08-15 09:58:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8051929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodred_ander/pseuds/bloodred_ander
Summary: It's been two years since he left his old life behind. Dany's slowly made a name for himself in the world of Rallying and his fame and success only seems to grow. He's still know as the torpedo, only this time it's for all the right reasons. He's happy and he's doing well in every aspect of life. So obviously the universe decides to screw him over. And all it takes is a visit from an old friend.





	1. No Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the second paragraph of [this](http://www.f1-fansite.com/f1-news/marko-plays-kvyat-axe-rumours/) article.
> 
> This can take place whenever you want it to, I just read that damn article and I happened to be in a bad mood and poof! This fic was born.
> 
>  
> 
> 14/01/18 - I'm bringing this back. With a bang. Okay not really. I just want to run far, far away with this fic and that's what I'm going to do.

The elevator doors open with a ding that startles you out of your thoughts. You take a deep breath and put on a neutral face as you step out into the hotel lobby, rolling your suitcase behind you. You've got a small black bag clutched in you're right hand that contains your most prized possessions to remind you of the amazing time you spent as an F1 driver. And some of them to remind you of just why your stay in F1 isn't going to be as long as you had imagined.

The lobby's mostly empty because of the late hour but your boys are here. Your team. And they smile - albeit sadly - when the see you walking over. You smile back and head over to the reception counter, ready to checkout. Ready to say goodbye.

You place the book you have in your hand - just something to keep you occupied on the long and lonely flight back home - on the counter and hand in your key card. The receptionist smiles at you but you're distracted by someone coming up to stand beside you. You look over with a smile and freeze.

"What is this?" he questions angrily as he gestures at your luggage and then at you. You open and close your mouth a couple of times, words completely failing you at the moment. You didn't think you'd run into him now, not when you've been avoiding him for the past two days, but here he is - looking confused, angry, and hurt all at the same time.

"I'm leaving," you say softly, timidly. You realise that you're scared - you don't really know why but you are. Your palms are sweaty and your heart is beating just that little bit quicker as you wait for him to say something. Anything. He leans back abruptly as if your answer was something he was not expecting.

To say that surprises you is an understatement.

He looks at you with his soft brown eyes, his wavy hair tousled most probably because he was running his fingers through it too much. His brows draw together in a frown that is part surprise, part disapproval and part hurt (or maybe that's just wishful thinking). His full pink lips jut out just that slightest bit to let you know that he's sad.

Your eyes prick and your chest feels unbearably tight under the guilt his stare induces. You look away from him, your hand clutching the bag just that little bit tighter. You already miss his smiles; the way his eyes crinkle at the edges, the way his cheeks dimple. The way his eyes sparkle with that teasing glint that leaves you guessing.

"Why?" he asks softly, cautiously. You force your lips into something you hope resembles a smile and turn to look at him.

It's somewhat shocking that he looks angry. He leans on the counter, his fingers woven together over your book - Alexander the Great - as he holds it closer to himself. It's most probably an unconscious move and something you shouldn't be reading into so much but you can't help yourself. You're completely in love with the idea of him loving you.

"I have to," you answer with a shrug, feigning the kind of no-care, playful attitude you're so good at projecting. He leans in again, a little closer than necessary and you feel your heart skip a beat when you notice the concern shining in his eyes.

"Where are you going?" again with that same soft tone. You're afraid you might cry after all if he keeps this up.

"Back home," you say, even though you don't know where that is anymore. You've lived in so many places since such a tender age and each place - in its own right - can be called home. Because they say home is where the heart is and pieces of your heart lie in each city, each town, each... home you've left behind.

"Where?" he asks incredulously, his eyebrows raising up. This time you smile a genuine smile. A wave of fondness washes over you as he cocks his head to the side, probably because he thinks he didn't hear you clearly. But you know he did, he knows that too; this is just him refusing to believe what he's heard.

"To Russia," you clarify. Because Russia is technically still your home. Even though at the moment, no place on Earth feels like it.

He looks at you with a frown again, his eyes growing darker by the second. His voice is slightly disbelieving as he blurts out his next question.

"What will you do there?"

"I'll race," you answer automatically with a wry smile. Your sarcasm is probably unappreciated at this point but you can't help it. Everybody has a coping mechanism and this is yours.

He certainly looks unimpressed as he hits back with a dry, "...and you can't do that here?"

He probably doesn't realize it. You're glad he doesn't or it would make you feel worse. The answer is that you can't. Not with everything that's going on. The pressure, the rumours, the abrupt conversations, the sympathetic smiles. Nothing feels like it used to. You don't feel like you used to. They don't make you feel that way. Not anymore.

It's all about Max now. And you're happy for him, you really are. Holding grudges is exhausting (especially misguided ones) and you've tried that before. You really don't have the energy for it now.

You look back at Carlos, not even realising you had looked away. His frown seems to have deepened; worry lines forming on his forehead as he looks at you. You sigh and give him a small broken smile. You secretly want him to see how you're hurting, but at the same time you think it's better if he doesn't.

"I can't adjust here," you finally say. It's the truth, but at the same time it really isn't. You have your reasons for leaving. You don't want to share them. Let everyone think what they must. You just don't like lying to him; which is why a half-truth is what he gets instead of the bullshit you fed the others. You feel like you owe him at least that much.

He looks at you for a long time (and at this point even a second feels like forever), his inner conflict clearly visible in his eyes. You feel a little happy; seeing him this worked up means that all his stolen glances and teasing smiles actually meant something and that it wasn't just your heart leading you on. You hold his gaze, waiting for him to say what's on his mind, but he doesn't get the chance to say it. And you miss out on the chance to hear it.

Daniel walks over with a smile on his face and Carlos turns to face him.

"Is he leaving?" he asks immediately. You huff a laugh out without really knowing why. He still has one hand placed protectively over your book as he stares at Daniel.

"Yeah," Daniel answers, purposely pulling your book out from under Carlos' grip. He pretends to examine it as he asks "Didn't you know?"

"No," Carlos says sharply, shooting you an accusing look before turning back to Dan. He shakes his head for emphasis, unintentionally making that little puppy dog expression that endeared him to you in the first place.

You find yourself smiling again as Daniel explains to Carlos that yes he had told him that you were leaving. You're more than a little surprised that Carlos is just finding out because really, everyone else has known this for days now. Carlos just keeps shaking his head as Daniel rattles on, sending suggestive smirks your way.

Carlos looks offended and you don't guess why until he walks away to the other side of the hotel lobby. He leans against the wall, arms folded, and from the coner of your eye you catch him staring at you. He looks angrier than you've ever seen him, but he also looks strangely hurt. You should feel bad that he's feeling that way, but instead you feel your pulse racing because god damn it! He cares.

"He's offended 'cause you personally informed almost everyone," Daniel whispers, smiling as he hands your book over, "but not him."

And that hits you like a punch to the gut because, shit. Daniel's right. You feel like a horrible, horrible person but feigning nonchalance you mumble a simple, "Even if I did, he probably wouldn't care."

Daniel shakes his head but you don't give him a chance to speak as you walk toward your team. Your family. It hurts that you're going to be leaving them as well and you sort of wish you could take them with you, but you can't. You can't take anything with you. Just your memories and the well-wishes of everyone you know here.

You get busy talking to the guys but part of you is acutely aware of Carlos staring at you from across the lobby. You smile as bright as you can and wish that this happy image of you is what he'll keep in mind for time to come. You don't feel like smiling, but you do so anyway. Daniel knows, he can tell by the way your eyes are getting misty and your smile is juat that bit too strained, but you love him right now because he just turns away and pretends to be busy.

You can still feel Carlos looking at you and you know now. You finally, finally see it. And there's a dull ache the moment you realize that there was always that spark between the two of you (maybe you'd been to blind to see it, or maybe you just chose to ignore it because you never have and still don't believe that he could possibly feel the same about you), but you were the one that kept dousing the flame he tried to ignite. It hurts because you always thought that it was the other way around.

But it's too late now, you know it is. And he has his life, and you'll make yours worth living again eventually.

You tell everyone you'll miss them and they echo the sentiment, spreading their arms open to pull you into crushing hugs. Daniel comes up to you with a small, sad smile and you feel your eyes prick because you are going to miss this asshole.

"Cab's here," he informs you. You nod.

The both of you stand there for a while in silence before Daniel just pulls you into a tight hug. You smile and blink your tears away, squeezing Dan so tight you're afraid you'll break his bones.

"I'm gonna miss you man," Dan whispers into your neck. "I love you."

You swallow the lump building in your throat and nod. "I know, Dan" you say just as quietly. "I'm gonna miss you too."

Daniel gives you one last squeeze before he lets go. His eyes are red and glassy but he still gives you that brilliant smile of his. You smile and hug him once more because, God, you are really going to miss him.

When you part again he pats you on the shoulder and turns and walks towards the elevators. He doesn't say goodbye and you don't want him too either. Because Dan is someone you never want to say goodbye too; he's your friend, your brother. He's family.

You stare at his back while he waits for the doors to open. You keep staring as he walks into the elevators - back facing you - and presses the number that'll take him to his floor. You don't look away even as the doors begin to close and that's why you catch the exact moment when he brings his hands up to wipe at his eyes. You look away then, feeling like the biggest dick on the planet. But you know you have to leave, so you suck it up and let the rest of the guys walk you outside.

Carlos follows at the back of the pack.

You walk out into the cold night and find a surprise in the form of Max standing near the cab. He looks terrible, miserable. You immediately feel bad because you know this isn't Max's fault, not really. You walk over to him with a bright smile and he gives you a small, scared one in return.

"Bye, Maxy," you say as you pull him in for a brief hug. He hugs you tight, and the moment you let go he blurts out a soft, shaky, "I'm sorry."

At that moment, looking at Max with his teary, bloodshot eyes, you feel sorry. He's just a kid you think, even though you're not that old compared to him. You pat his shoulder and tell him the truth; that none of this is his fault. He just shakes his head and you notice the way his lower lip trembles, the way he's still gripping your jumper with a shaky hand. You have the sudden urge to beat the crap out of whoever made Max believe that you leaving is all his fault. He's about as helpless as you are when it comes to the politics that - sadly - govern the sport you love so much. Today it's you, tomorrow it could be Max (but you secretly hope not because Max is talented and he has a very promising career ahead of him. It'll pain you to see him, or anyone for that matter, in the state you are in today because you know how shitty that feels).

"Will you..." he swallows thickly before he continues, refusing to meet your gaze. You feel a slight pang as you look at him. "Will you ever come back?"

You hope so, you really don't want this to be the end of your F1 career but, who knows. Right now, all you can think of is leaving, getting far away from this clusterfuck and making a fresh start somewhere else. A change of scenery, a change of environment, just.... a change. Of everything. To help remind you just why you love being a F1 driver so much. Because at the moment, you've forgotten what it was.

You sigh softly, tiredly.

"I dunno," you say. "Maybe."

Max nods and lets go of you. You put your suitcase into the trunk but keep your bag with you. You open the door to the backseat and place your bag inside, followed by your book, but you don't get in just yet.

"Max?" you wait for him to meet your eyes. "Don't you ever let anyone discourage you, alright? You just keep doing what you're doing."

He nods and gives you a tight smile, his eyes glossing over. You clap him on the back and just pray that they'll leave him alone.

"Bye, Daniil," he says. You smile.

"Goodbye, Max."

The others step forward again, saying goodbye for the last time. Some say they don't want you to leave, a few others say they'll miss you and Max is the only one who says he'll wait for you to come back. You're overwhelmed at the moment but you try your best not to show it.

Carlos is still lurking a safe distance away from the group and the moment you see him start to make his way towards you, you panic. You wave a final goodbye to everyone and reserve a small encouraging smile for Max because his guilt is so obvious and damn it you don't want him to feel that way. This is your choice. Not his doing. You're leaving on your own. You're leaving before they can kick you out.

You get into the cab and shut the door behind you, ignoring the ache in your chest when you notice the way Carlos stops dead in his tracks. You don't look at him. You don't have the heart to. You're not brave enough.

You're not brave enough to say goodbye to him.

You stick your hand out the window and wave bye to everyone - but not Carlos, no - once more, your heart lurching as the cab starts pulling away. The distance between you and your family grows, and you can feel that pain in your heart as another piece of it is ripped out and left back with these guys. But the biggest piece is the one Carlos holds. The Carlos you selfishly never said goodbye to because like Dan, he is someone you never, ever want to say goodbye to. Goodbye seems so final, like an end. So how could you possibly end things with Carlos when you haven't even started anything with him.

Just before the cab makes it onto the road you finally force yourself to look at Carlos. He stands with his hands in his pockets, his face impassive, but the tears streaming down his cheeks speak volumes. You smile at him one last time and then lean back in your seat, looking at the road ahead of you through tear filled eyes.

Your phone beeps and you pull it out of your pocket. And you finally break that little promise you made to yourself about not crying because fuck, the tears are flowing freely and you doubt you can stop them now.

The message is from Carlos. It's a simple - _goodbye_.

You press a hand over your mouth to muffle your sobs as you stare at your phone. In the end - after a few seconds of deciding if you should reply or not - you simply shove your phone back into your pocket, choosing to ignore his text.

 

You're just not brave enough to say goodbye to him.


	2. Spare Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's leaving and he's taking your heart along with him. And you wonder how you're going to survive this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From Daniel's POV
> 
> (and isn't it convenient that he's in love with his best friend lol. I'm trash is2g)

You linger somewhere in the shadows, eyes fixed on Daniil as he steps out of the elevator, dragging his luggage behind him. He doesn't notice you, smiling at the others present here, all waiting to say their goodbyes.

You watch him as he talks to the receptionist, smiling as he hands his key card over. His shoulders are slouched, and his eyes look so very tired. Somehow, he looks even more thin,  _frail_  almost, and you want to run over to him and shelter him in your arms, away from everyone and everything that's hurting him right now. It makes your heart ache, seeing him like this. He deserves so much better. He deserves all the happiness in the  _world_. He doesn't deserve  _this_.

You're about to come out of hiding and walk over to Dany - offer him comfort like you've been doing for the past two days as he cried himself to sleep in your room,  _as you held him in your arms_  - when you see  _him_. You frown as you desperately try to squash that ugly, bitter feeling that bubbles up inside you the moment you see Carlos heading over to Dany.  _You have no right to be jealous_  you remind yourself.  _None_.

Dany looks like a deer caught in headlights as Carlos glares at him. You'd rush over to Dany's defence in a second if it weren't for the look on his face. He looks scared sure, but he also has that  _hopeful_  look he gets every single time Carlos is around. The one where his gaze turns impossibly soft and warm,  _adoring_. It's the one look that you know you'll never get from him.

Carlos looks mad, but you know why. It's because Dany's leaving, sure, but it's also because Dany's leaving  _before_  Carlos ever got the chance to say anything, and now he's scared that he may never get that chance. You know how he feels because you're feeling the  _exact_  same thing. The only difference between you and Carlos however, is the fact that he actually has a shot with Dany and you don't. You're Dany's best friend, and he'll never look at you the way he looks at Carlos. He'll  _never_  love you the way he loves Carlos.

Carlos starts gesturing, saying something and you can't hear what, but you have a pretty good idea.

Carlos looks hurt as he talks to Dany in hushed tones, his hand placed over Dany's book - the one that you  _bought_  him - as he pulls it closer to himself. You watch Dany's eyes dull a little as he speaks, looking away from Carlos, fingers digging into the material of the black bag he has clutched in his hands. It goes on for a while, their secret conversation, and you find yourself watching even though you don't want to, even though it  _hurts_.

The affection they have for each other is so obvious the fucking astronauts could see it from space, but they are the only two people blind to the others feelings. You've tried,  _countless times_ , to convince Dany that Carlos feels the same way about him, but Dany always refuses to believe you. And you don't push the issue as much as you should, you don't do everything that you  _could do_ to get them together because after all, you've got your own feelings to consider as well. You want Dany to be happy, but you're not  _that_  type of person. You can't be brave enough to watch Dany be happy with someone  _else_ , someone who isn't  _you_.

Which is why you chose  _this_  exact moment to walk over to Dany and Carlos. The time when both of them are looking at each other like nothing else exists at this point. You hate yourself for interrupting what could be a big moment for these two, but what else can you do? You're in love with someone who'll never love you back.

"Is he leaving?" Carlos asks you the moment you’re close enough. Dany huffs out an awkward laugh.

You look at Carlos with a big smile plastered on your face. "Yeah," you tell him, grabbing the book away from him. He looks so confused and miserable and you really shouldn't do it, but yeah, you're hurting way more than he is right now.

"Didn't you know?" you ask, trying your best to keep the sarcasm out of your tone. Carlos' reply is short and clipped and he looks over at Dany, gaze accusing, and then back at you, looking even more hurt.

"Funny," you say even though a part of you is just  _screaming_  for you to  _stop this_. Dany's smiling at you, probably because of the teasing smile you send his way, and  _God,_  it is seriously hard to pretend you're in a playful mood right now. "Dany told  _everyone_  he's leaving, I thought you would have known by now. I'm pretty sure even I mentioned it to you."

Carlos looks frustrated as he shakes his head, trying to recall a time when you told him that Dany was leaving, but he clearly can't. And that annoys you because you  _did_  tell him. How could something this big just escape his attention?

"Wait," you say softly to Carlos so that Dany can't hear. "Dany didn't tell you he was leaving?"

Carlos blinks and looks away, clearly offended. You feel horrible, but there's nothing you can do now.

"He didn't," Carlos mumbles, but you hear him clearly and it  _kills_  you because this is not what you intended. You never wanted to hurt Carlos because he is your friend too. You really are a terrible person.

Carlos walks away, leaving you alone with Dany, looking angry and hurt as he slinks off to the other side of the lobby. He leans against the wall, keeping his eyes fixed on Dany. You turn away from him and focus on Dany as well. He's looking at you, curious and confused, and you give him a soft smile as you step closer to him.

"He's offended 'cause you personally informed almost everyone, but not him," you tell Dany as you hand his book back to him. Dany looks shocked, and then guilty as he realises the truth behind your words. He feeds you some bullshit about how Carlos wouldn't even have cared if Dany had told him, but you don't believe that.

You shake your head, open your mouth to say something, but Dany doesn't give you a chance to speak as he leaves you and walks toward his team, finally ready to say goodbye. He smiles brightly as he talks to everyone, exchanging hugs and handshakes, but you can tell it's forced. Dany's eyes are glassy, filling with tears, and you want to go over and comfort him, but you hold yourself back. He probably wouldn't appreciate you interrupting his moment right now.

You instead make yourself useful and find out how long his cab will take to arrive. You aren't ready though, when you get to know that his cab is already here.

You walk over to the group, smiling as you see Dany getting pulled into crushing hugs, with a lot of furious back patting. Dany turns to look at you, and his smile falters slightly, lips quivering as he tries not to cry. You're heart is  _breaking_ , but you somehow manage to keep from falling apart. You inform him that his cab's here, he nods at you, and you feel like a bad omen, delivering such bad news. Dany just stands there staring at you, and you do the same, committing every single feature of his to memory. The urge to tell him the truth is strong,  _so strong_ , but you know you can't. You can never tell him how you feel because you value his friendship too much. Instead, you pull him into a tight hug, allowing yourself to get lost in the sensation of having him this close to you.

Dany squeezes you tight, breathing in deeply as you press your lips against his neck. "I'm gonna miss you man," you whisper, hating the way your voice cracks. "I love you."

And you mean that. You  _love_  him. You love him so much. But he doesn't actually hear you, doesn't get what your trying to say, doesn't understand the  _true meaning_  of your words.

"I know, Dan," he says, and you want to yell because no. He  _doesn't_  know, he has no  _idea_. But you don't say anything, you bite your tongue like always. Instead, you squeeze him tight as he says he'll miss you too. You force a smile onto your face as you pull away from Dany, blinking rapidly to keep your tears from falling. He swallows thickly and pulls you back into his arms again, and you wish he would never, ever let go. But he does - he has to - and you know if you stick around any longer you're going to break down, and it's better if that happens when you're on your own, which is why you pat Dany on the shoulder and turn and walk towards the elevators. You don't say goodbye to him.  _You won't._

You're tears flow down your cheeks as you wait for the doors to open. Everything  _hurts_ , and it's getting so hard for you to breathe, it's so difficult to walk away from Dany, knowing that you're not going to have him around you almost all the time now. And it sucks because this always happens; the people closest to you always leave and it  _hurts so bad_. Only this time the pain is worse. Because this time it's  _Dany_. It's Dany who's leaving.

He's leaving and he's taking your heart along with him. And you wonder how you're going to survive this.

You do your best to hold yourself together until you're safe and alone inside the elevator. Then, because you're done holding your emotions in for so long, you  _finally_  allow yourself to  _break_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, can you imagine Dany texting Dan this - I miss you already :'(
> 
> And Dan sobbing because he's hurting even more now and Dany has no idea what he does to him, but still pretends he's okay as he types a reply to Dany - _Really? What about Carlos?_
> 
>  
> 
> These two chapters were originally separate one-shots but I decided to put them together 'cause I'm planning on turning this into a multi chaptered fic. It's going to be angsty as hell but yeah.... I live for that shit.

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty rough.... But I kinda like how it turned out. Also, (this was) my first F1 fic. Huh. Shame it's so angsty though.


End file.
